how did i get here?

Guys, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see The Disposable in print! If you’ve ever published something, you know that feeling. You hold that precious piece in your hand and you feel awe and excitement and uncertainty. . .sorta like holding your first child! In a way, you are—you created these characters, you brought them through their trials and tribulations, celebrated their successes. They are your babies.

I felt all those things holding Higher Honor for the first time. The Disposable renewed those feelings and even magnified them. I mentioned this to a friend of mine, how I was as excited, maybe even more excited about this book which surprised me. He asked a simple question—is this your first book post-stroke?

Yes. Yes, it is. You see, in April 2015, I had a stroke. Although labeled as “minor,” my neurologist told me not to be fooled by that word. He said he expected me to make a very close to full recovery (Just so you know, there is no such thing as a full recovery as part of your brain is dead), but it would take years. Also note, there is a difference between a TIA or Transient ischemic attack and a minor stroke. TIA do not cause permanent brain damage until there have been several, whereas even a minor stroke kills some gray matter.

Recovery was hard. Because the thalamus works as a communications hub, word retrieval proved difficult and post-stroke fatigue was horrible. I don’t remember a lot of my recovery. I remember sleeping 20 hours a day for several weeks. Then it slipped down a little bit at a time, but it wasn’t unusual for me to walk the length of the walkway from our house to our driveway and back, then take a nap.

Even at the end of two years, I had nothing creative to give. Pre-stroke, the character dialogue bounced between my ears non-stop. I’ll write later about the voices in my head so you’ll know, I’m not off my rocker. Just know, most of my fiction starts out because of an internal conversation in my head and the story develops as I figure out what started that little quip.

The conversation stopped with my stroke and my heart broke. I felt guilty feeling that loss because I had survived. According to the CDC, 1 in 6 people die from a stroke. Not only did I survive, but I had a very good prognosis, despite doing everything wrong. That’s another blog post-things not to do when you have a stroke. I should have been a cautionary tale but God had mercy on me. By the way, don’t mistake my lack of constantly saying “God did this, God did that” as a lack of faith or belief on my part. Everything is because of Him. He is my world and I’m trying to be more open about it and Him but I’m very used to treating Him like a treasured possession and not sharing Him! But, He is everything to me.

I tried to encourage the voices to come back. I tried reading, but my brain could only handle a few lines, not even a page, at a time and I’d forget and would need to reread those few lines. Audiobooks proved easier, but even then, after a few minutes, my brain was done. I had to rebuild. My goals were simple and writing wasn’t even on the goal sheet. By writing, I mean the creative aspect. I did not lose my ability to physically write.

Then one day, I thought I heard a conversation.

A simple conversation, a plea for help. Slowly, I chipped away at the darkness that covered the setting and plot and found Simone Watson in a lot of trouble. Her story became the first sinewy bones of The Disposable, publishing never entered my mind, but, publishing never entered my mind. The back end of getting that little book in your hands is hard work, simply hard work. On top of the actual hard work is the emotional and mental aspect. I liked my stories, but would anyone else?

But the story fascinated me—and it looks nothing like what was published. In fact, Simone, who started the conversation, has a very minor role in The Disposable. Book Four, if I can get there, will look more like the original manuscript.

When I had the manuscript written, I joined the Calhoun Area Writer’s group because I missed being a part of a critique group. Publishing was not on my mind. I just wanted to make the story good for personal satisfaction and for the three people I let read it (Elizabeth, this is your fault!). It was a sweet, sweet feeling when the members of the group basically said “Why aren’t you publishing this? It’s ready.” I fist-pumped on my way home.

And then. . . Karli Land, owner extraordinaire of Colorful Crow Publishing, who is in our little critique group, asked if I’d be interested in her publishing house.

Well, heck yeah. And here we are!

It’s good to be back and I appreciate you for reading, I’m stoked to have a second chance at something I love doing.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident, and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.